"Holey" Matrimony

I remember my first sermon, my first eulogy, my first time performing in front of a crowd and my first impromptu stand up routine when I unabashedly mimicked Rondell Sheridan. Now, to this list I can add my first wedding.

Lauren Milam (pronounced my-lum) grew up side by side with Lauren Keyes, my wife's younger sister. A close friend of my wife's family, when it came time to "git hitched" (that's how we say it in 'da South), the whole Keyes crew was signed up to attend and the minister who married into the family was asked to officiate. (Officiate is such a funny word for weddings. It makes me think of a refferree in a boxing match. Maybe we should give all brides and grooms boxing gloves!)

I was honored to be asked and accepted excited to put my own Nathan-flavored spice into the taste of a wedding. The groom was a good chap named Brandon Cameron, a blessed soul able to withstand, handle, or perhaps simply survive the strong, confident, vivacious, life-loving, head-strong, caring and driven personality of our lovely bride. (no wonder she fit in with the Keyes girls so well.)

It turns out that among the many public tasks that ministers are called upon to perform or facilitate, weddings are among the simplest. This is true for a few observable reasons. 1) Most of the material is pre-scripted. There's not a whole lot that I had to creatively come up with myself. 2) The focus is not on me. Everyone is watching the two love birds and waiting for me to finish so they can see a kiss and have a booty-dancing party afterwards. 3) Talking about love, harmony, peace and all that gooey good feeling stuff is my specialty. It wasn't difficult coming up with advice and admonishings for the couple, because ultimate, that is what my Christian faith is all about.

In the end, it all went great. Due to some mild inclimate weather (just a few tornadoes ripping apart central NC), the outside planned ceremony had to be moved inside into this horribly gorgeous ballroom. I was able to successfully stay out of the way, keep my pronouns straight, make some rather clever jokes and get the two married in just about 20 minutes.

After the ceremony, the father of the bride thanked me for keeping it up beat and not making everyone cry. "Oh," I thought, "should I have gone for more mooshy gooshey instead?" But that wouldn't have been as authentically me. Because, let's be honest. I'm always gonna go for the jokes before the tears. But did I leave anything out. Where there holes in these nuptuals? Would going for completely standard wedding stuff have been more holy matrimony than holey matrimony? Personally, I don't think so.

After all, who wouldn't want a wedding where the minister said these sorts of things: 

It was Rita Rudner, actress and comedian, who said: I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.


I read a story about a wise man whose son once asked him about marriage. The son said, “Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.” The wise man answered, “That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!”

Lauren: Just remember, a husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke. Brandon, remember, the husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

Brandon was too nervous to propose in person so he talked a dolphin into doing it for him.

I tried to include a video of the bride walking down the isle on her daddy's arm, but the blog uploader, or my internet connection didn't work well enough. Sorry for only a few pictures. My wife took mostly video of the "good moments," because the lighting wasn't great for our camera. But, you should know that while lauren walked down the isle, I was standing next to a nearly balling groom. Very sweet.

I really enjoyed the experience, and look forward to doing more weddings in the future. Thank you Brandon and Lauren (if you ever read this) for letting me take part in such an important day in both of your lives. I wish you the best.