Boundaries, by Cloud and Townsend

I recently finished reading the very famous and popular book on relational psychology, Boundaries: When to say yes, How to say no, by doctors Henry Cloud and John Townsend.

Let me start by saying this book is a must read for almost everybody. (I'll get to the almost in a bit.) Cloud and Townsend are both tenured psychologists/counselors in California and have written a slew of books on developing and keeping healthy relationships for and with all ages. Boundaries is the first of what has become a franchise of books. Since this book they have written Boundaires with Kids, Boundaires for Teens, Boundaires in Marriage (which I read about 1.5 years ago), and others. Most of the topics for their subsequent books are touched on with a chapter each in this book.

It is not a quick read, partially because the book can be painful to read as they will likely address one your own personal situations. Nor should you blaze through this book, because every page is packed with a punch of reality.

Cloud and Townsend give sound vetted advice for developing appropriate firm yet permeable boundaries in all of life's relationships. A boundary is a dividing line. It helps us to distinguish where you end and where I begin. This is so many applications when considering marriage relationships, dealing with children, dating and work relationships.

I will not attempt to try and re-explain the contents of this book, but rather I will say virtually every person I know (myself included) can benefit from clearer boundaries in life.

This book is not a motivational speech which tells readers, "Yes you can," or simply wants to inspire making readers feel warm and fuzzy. Quite the opposite the authors want to empower readers; however, their approach is based in psychology and their explanations of relationship dynamics and what is going on inside our frail subconscious is dead on and sometimes a little scary. During the section on boundaries with family I thought they were writing to me personally. After reading their book Boundaries in Marriage I learned to empathize, recognize power dynamis and began learning to be a better husband.

Like the title suggests, the book address when to say yes to people and how to say no. It doesn't blame others for our problems but rather helps readers to see how we are part of the problem and then advises how to more forward from there. Believe me when I say this, THERE IS GOOD STUFF IN THIS BOOK.

I first began thinking that everyone should read this book. I mean everyone. I had planned on suggesting on my blog that this book be required summer reading during the late high school years. Because, come on, we need to learn math and science, yes, but young adults also need to learn about healthy relationships and how to be introspective. However, moreso than the later book on marriage, this book incorporates a heavy dose of references to the Bible and the Christian tradition. From a Christian perspective, I can appreciate that they did their homework in finding the pieces of timeless wisdom encapsulated within the Bible that still apply to human relationships. Surprising to many, the Bible actually addresses the age old struggle within the mother-in-law to daughter-in-law relationship. But I can also respect differences in faith and do not wish to shove the Bible down someone's prychological throat hitched on the back of a book on relationships.

My point is this. This book, though I award it the ever coveted Nathan-two-thumbs-up, is a little too deeply rooted in Christianity for me to say that everybody needs to read it. Now, with that said, I will still recommend it to anyone, Christian or not, because you don't have to take all the scripture references to still get the wisdom found in this book. If you just cannot abide the Christian undertones in this book, go get anther one that has the same sound advice without the religious stuff and read it.

I have already recommended this book to many and given it to at least two people to read. I imagine that this number will rapidly increase as I go through life. If I ever do premarital counseling as a minister, this book will likely be a required read. If you've never done any self-reflective reading, take some advice from a self-reflection marathoner and pick up this book.