Inappropriate Chaplain

For each visit we make in the hospital, we have to log it into a computer program called Midas to keep up with our activity. We use Midas as a verb around the office. Every chaplain Midases differently. At the end of the week I usually check my Midas count, and everytime, the entire year, chaplain Crawford has the highest amount. I must confess, I believe she has a small competitive side to her. But as long as the rest of us get our 50 per week, everybody's happy. Chaplain Crawford just happens to usually have near 100.

it being our last week, I decided that, for once I was going to have more Midas entries than her. So, I began making them up and entering them into the computer. They got a little zaney, so I thought I'd share some with you. I'll probably enter a number of bogus ones each day and keep track of the count to be sure I'm ahead of Chaplain Cathie Crawford.

Enjoy.

(I put an "*" by the bogus entries for tallying purposes later. And if you can't figure it out, Pt. = patient, and RN = nurse.)

*Told my wife a bunch of HIPPA violating pt. information
*Tried on pt.'s shoes while he was intubated
*Had bizarre lustful thoughts toward elderly pt. in ICU
*Laid down in bed with pt. who had died to see what being dead was like
*Tried making an authentic smile with pt.'s false teeth in my mouth. Taste: not bad
*Had recurring lustful thoughts about same elderly woman
*Cut holes in bed sheet and walked around pt.'s room pretending to be a holy ghost
*Another recurring lustful thought. This time about a man
*Tried on hospital gown while naked. Think I had it on backwards
*Felt nice but chilly breeze through backwards untied hospital gown. RNs said it was normal
*Tried to faith heal pt. God responded with, "You had me at 'hello.'"
*Pretended to be MD, told a pt. he was supposed to have been discharged yesterday but was accidently taken to surgery today.
*Asked family if I could kiss unconscious pt on forehead. They said, "Only if it's not hard." (That's what she said.) So I did. And it wasn't hard
*In the morgue: played hide and go seek in the dark
*Another recurring lustful thought toward old women
*Realized I had put on two left shoes this morning
*Followed chaplain Crawford around the hospital for an hour without her noticing
*Switched one of my left shoes with a pt's right shoe so that my feet felt better
*Followed chaplain Crawford during a pt visit, but hid in the bathroom the entire visit
*Pretended to be the pt in one of chaplain Crawford's rooms when she came for a visit
*Tried to go the whole day as a low-talker
*At lunch I put on a chef's uniform and served chaplain Crawford her food without her knowing
*Messed up the sheets in the on-call room on one of chaplain Crawford's nights
*Stole gun from lock box outside of behavioral health unit
*Blamed gun theft on chaplain Crawford
*Tried to convince CEO of hospital to come tail chaplain Crawford with me
*10 months ago I slipped drugs into chaplain Hesse's food to make her faint in middle of night
*Went an entire day introducing myself as chaplain Crawford
*Pretended to be a trauma pt when chaplain Crawford was responding to pages
*At employee health: tried to convince them I had a new disease no one's ever heard of: got referred to a specialist
*Snuck into chaplain Crawford's apartment with CEO of hospital and tried on her clothes

There's nothing else to say. Perhaps I'll add some more tomorrow.