As you may have read in a previous post, my wife recently graduated from pharmacy school at the highest level of a professional degree. She is a Doctor of Pharmacy (or Pharm. D.). On the ladder of education this is parallel to a Doctor of Medicine (M.D.) or a Juris Doctor (J.D.).
A few days ago she and I paid a visit to my grandmother's house to celebrate two birthdays and father's day. Two steps after entering and exchanging hugs a remark was made with pride by me that all shall now refer to my wife as Dr. Heather. Everyone is proud. But...
In stride, grandma replied to me, "Now you have to go and get your doctorate."
Me (stepping back): "And why is that, exactly?"
Gma: "Because she can't out rank you."
Me (slightly annoyed now): "Well, she does."
Gma (still ignorantly oblivious): "Well, I guess it's okay because you went to school for 8 years and she went for 7 years."
Abjectly offended now, Heather walks away cutting between everyone. I tell Gma that it's time to join the 21st century and remember in her history that little thing called THE EQUAL RIGHTS MOVEMENT.
Alas, in the moment, I didn't fully realize the level of my own offended-ness as little ol' Gma in one quick statement belittled both my and Heather's academic accomplishments. My masters degree is clearly not good enough and Heather's doctorate should not be seen as "the best" or "the highest" for she is but a mere, what do we call it, woman.
The amazing thing is that this scene, which lasted maybe 90 seconds, was done in complete cordiality. I didn't have time to give Gma the appropriate 'what for.' I didn't have time to defend my wife. I didn't think quick enough to realize nor tell poor sweet Gma (bless her heart) that she had just hurt our feelings, and that makes us pull away from her relationally.
I know that she grew up in 'a different time.' But, so did plenty of other 70-year-olds I know who have better sense than to say something like that. The sad part is this is just one of quite a few times Gma has said hurtful, or ignorant, or just plain stupid things to us and gotten away with it.
Frustration.
This is the lady who used to have home made bread and jam ready for me everyday after school. She spent time with just me to help me memorize Bible verses. That was precious time. She helped me learn to read when she bought me Hooked on Phonics. I loved going to her house when I was young. But now, we leave her house after most visits having to do a little debriefing in the car over Gma's latest stunt. Grrr.
I look forward to when my family can better communicate on little annoying things like this. Traditionally, we never do. We sweep things under the rug. Act like they never happened. Talk about our anger toward someone when he/she is not present. This doesn't seem like a healthy way to operate. I'd like to see this change. However, I'm worried it will take a generation before that happens. Adam and Audrey: let's not be like this.
Family. Uhg.
Thank you for indulging this rant. Any comments or sympathies appreciated.
3 comments:
I was horrified as i read your account of this exchange. Yet, i'm also not surprised that she would say something like that.
I 100% agree we should try not just let this kind of thing go. It's hard to go back to it after the fact, so we have to work harder on saying things in the moment. Me too, i'm guilty of squashing my real reactions to things around grandma.
I am so proud of you and Heather. You have each done amazing things to get where you are, and you are only getting started! It's one thing to talk on facebook about the "correct" etiquette for addressing mail to your bad selves, but to assume that RANK matters at all in this day and age is crazy.
yeah, can't describe it much better than you already did.
frustration is the feeling that would be blinking in my head too. there's no satisfactory strategy for addressing the situation. we've had the same experience with them being intolerant of other religions, other races and gay people. the second you stand up for yourself, they backtrack and act like everything's a joke. when you let it slide, well, your silence has condoned the behavior.
i feel handcuffed. i don't want to attack things with sarcasm or on facebook, but i feel like i've been very bold (maybe a little bit over the line) in saying what i view as nonsense in their presence.
anyway, it's ridiculous that grandma gets away with this. both you and heather have worked hard to train your minds, and the level of disrespect/dismissal of others is just amazing. but, i don't know if it's gonna change. they're enlightened, we're not. when you set up the whole system such that you can never be wrong or change your mind, this is what happens.
"she is but a mere, what do we call it, woman." Great post. My blood pressure went up! And I wanted to rush over and assure you and Heather that you both rock. Probably the main thing you can do is as you said just make sure you guys don't do this to your grandchildren.
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